#92. Wishful Waxing & Positive Affirmations
After my job interview, I spent the remainder of the week getting ready for what would finally be some stable employment. I executed Operation-If-You-Build-It-He-Will-Come in the spirit of positive thinking. I got my hair cut and coloured at a proper salon. I got my eyebrows threaded and shaped. I endured the severe pain of having every hair on my body waxed off and am now a human egg. I even got a flu shot as I didn’t want to miss any work days due to illness. Before administering the needle, the nurse asked me if there was any chance of pregnancy.
Pregnancy? The word sounded completely foreign. I looked confused for a second as the neurons in my brain struggled to connect into a coherent synapse. ‘Preg-nan-cy…as in the result of sexual intercourse…could I be pregnant…have I had sex recently?!?’ SEX. Oh that! Guess I have been totally preoccupied with poverty, and plum forgot that sex even existed! Sex and toilet training seem to have fallen into the same category for me; I know they both happened at some point in my life, I just don’t remember the details.
After getting all gussied up for the great job that I had prepared to undertake, I was informed that it went to another candidate. I had a brief and mild meltdown including looking up at the ceiling and swearing at the Aliens for continually using me as their sick form of entertainment, followed by a sadistic fantasy of the hired candidate getting hit by a bus at a really high speed.
But I quickly retreated from Bitterland. Of course I was disappointed, as a steady income would be like winning the lottery, but the interview was a great experience and I had the opportunity to meet new people at an awesome company. I repeated the mantra, “That which is for you, does not pass you”. Apparently, money is not for me… (‘Oh, stop sulking!’) The Voice has a lot to say these days. I think the mental Tourettes is getting worse.
The voice was stern. (‘Do whatever you have to do to keep a roof over your head and pay for your son’s Bar Mitzvah. So you didn’t get the job. Look how far you’ve come? You had a great interview and you managed to keep your pants on the whole time! (Please click on the link for an explanation – it’s not what it sounds like: 18-most-mortifying-moment-ever) That’s real progress! You like freelance writing anyway! And, you are now very well groomed. Before this job prospect you looked like a hippie. Naked, you could’ve walked right out of a 70′s porn. Maybe since you waxed it, he will… well, you know the rest. Wishful waxing can’t hurt!’)
I feel like I’m back to the drawing board. No job, no man and no money. Blah, blah, blah. I am so bored with the same kvetching. I am just gonna get a part time job at Starbucks. If I work there 20 hours per week then I get full benefits and my son can get braces. I’ll go back to acting also. I can still go on auditions and maybe there are some roles for a 42 year old woman. (‘Ya, that’s really high in demand. Great Plan ‘B’ there Hayl. Just what audiences are dying to see! Better call the shrink as the delusions are kicking in…’) OK. Well, I still applied to Starbucks. I wonder why they haven’t called… Seems like my working there would really amuse the Aliens.
Life is funny. (‘Ya – hilarious. Regular Riot.’) Maybe one day all of these challenges will make sense, like in retrospect I will be able to see that there was this master plan towards something great. (Or, I will end up on a park bench drinking Scope…) But right now money, employment and sex all seem to be some dream that is in the realm of possibility but highly unlikely to occur in the foreseeable future. Like going to Bora Bora or meeting Cher.
I’m gonna choose to stay positive and bank on things turning around. I will focus on what I am grateful for. My son is healthy, happy and a really fun person to live with. My dog still likes me also. I have to believe that there is something great around the corner. (‘I would however appreciate if the corner was not the world’s longest corner…’) I have to hang onto hope.
This is the time to focus on the wonderful possibilities of life and go to yoga. Diary – let’s see what this week brings. Just one of the three great things in life would be awesome, like money, work or sex. It could be me, but it seems like married people and Hookers are the only individuals who can get all three of those prayers answered in one fell swoop. Since the married or Hooker options don’t really appeal to me at this point in my life, I’m only asking for one prayer to be answered! I don’t think that is too much to ask for, do you?