Realities on Divorce, Dating, Parenting and Re-Invention

#6. The Gift That Keeps On Giving

6 Gift

#6. The Gift That Keeps On Giving

The fact that you will be connected to the father of your child/children for the rest of your life takes on a whole new meaning when you are no longer a couple. At least here in Ontario, Canada, you will most likely get Joint Custody unless your ex has physically abused your child/children, is actively on crack, or is incarcerated. Ontario Family Courts distinguish between abuse on the mother versus abuse on the child. If a man abuses his wife in anyway, he will still most likely get Joint Custody. Apparently abuse on the mother of his child does not reflect on his ability to parent.   After all, maybe he just abuses women. Can you believe that shit? This means that all major decisions like religion, school, etc. must be agreed upon by both parties. 

If your ex hates you more than he loves his child/children, “co-parenting” can be ludicrous.  One tactic that your ex may use to assert his authority for the sake of it, is the ever popular ‘ignoring’.  Your ex may just ignore your existence and your attempts to co-parent via emails and/or phone calls.  Acknowledging you, would mean that you are an actual human being, and that is not the message that he wants to send.  At least this tactic is quiet. Not helpful, but quiet.   A louder tactic to is to materialize out of no where in order object, obstruct and control any decisions you are advocating for on behalf of your child/children’s wishes.  This is why lawyers specializing in Family Law are so damn rich. 

When I left my ex, I was worried that I was crazy like he kept telling me.  Maybe he was a great guy and I was a psychotic who has lost her grip on reality.  Had he proceeded to treat me with respect and kindness since the split, I would have hated myself for eternity and blamed myself for destroying what would’ve been a happy family.  That would’ve been torment.  Lucky for me, he has treated me with unrelenting anger, hatred and venom for the past ten years.  He re-affirms why I left him almost every time he opens his mouth.  You’d think he would send me a basket with a thank-you note for leaving him.  He never even liked me!  My leaving was a gift to him.  Instead of receiving a basket for my generosity, I get him.  The gift that keeps on giving.

  1. Farrell
    FarrellAug 30, 2011

    Found your blog via "single mama" and I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been divorced now for 7 years and I will say that my ex also made me feel like I was crazy.

    Believe it or not, things WILL get better. If I can get along with my ex, ANYONE can!

    • Hayley
      HayleySep 02, 2011

      Thank you for your positive words! Sometimes a reminder of all the good things ahead, are all we need to get there.

  2. Melissa
    MelissaAug 30, 2011

    I am simply loving your writing! I also came to your blog from Ms SingleMama. Ive read her forever, and look forward to reading here too! Its always so nice to find other people who "get it". Keep up the writing!

    • Hayley
      HayleySep 02, 2011

      Thank you so much for reading! We seem to be members of a large club we never knew we would love! Keep your comments coming!

  3. Anonymous
    AnonymousAug 30, 2011

    Hayley, I can relate with what you have/are going through. I admire your courage and to articulate what so many of us can identify with. Things will get better over time. You deserve to be happy!

    • Hayley
      HayleySep 11, 2011

      We all deserve to be happy. I’m so sorry you can relate. I hate how common my experience is.

  4. Anonymous
    AnonymousAug 31, 2011

    Love your blog – please keep going!

    You are so inspirational!

    • Hayley
      HayleySep 02, 2011

      You keep reading – i’ll keep writing!

  5. Bob
    BobAug 31, 2011

    Been there… Will continue to be there for the next 40 years…..

    • Hayley
      HayleySep 11, 2011

      I’m so sorry! All we can do is take it one day at a time.

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      Thank you so much for reading!!!! You keep reading – I’ll keep writing!

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    • Road
      RoadMar 15, 2012

      for me,My kids don’t understand when I pray to be a beettr mother. :) You’re an artist too, so maybe the drive to be abeettr as a mother is the same as wanting to be a beettr as an artist too. I just wanted to have a quiet Sunday at the shock of so many people with their mouths open, and saying you’re not doing anything for Mother’s Day, you have five kids!…no I just wanted some quiet for a day.Sometimes I feel like the odd one out because we don’t run all over and overstuff our schedules.Simple is beettr!They’re only little once.CheersRebeccaps I love your joyous beautiful artwork!

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    • Jessica
      JessicaMar 14, 2012

      For my mother’s day, I asked for a day to ymlesf. J ferried the kids off all morning and part of the afternoon, and I can’t tell you what bliss it was. I get overwhelmed by what is required of me as a mother sometimes, and it’s not so great, because when I’m overwhelmed, my tendency is to retreat. I need alone time! But I love my children, and I do feel guilty that I might not be giving them what they need. And Tracy, I like the tree. I would love to see some of these in person.

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  23. Joan
    JoanNov 29, 2012

    Omg, you really did live my life. Although I am still going through this ridiculously horrifying gross disgusting pathetic soul-sucking, money draining process of a divorce your ex’s actions and the emotions you experienced when going through yours are remarkably similar.
    Seriously, I have had many people tell me to write a blog about my experiences but after reading yours I’m afraid it would be ridiculously redundant.

    • Hayley
      HayleyNov 29, 2012

      Hey – even though too many of us married the same man we must all voice our experiences. You should start a blog! Why not? It’s been 12 years and I still have the crazy lawyer bills and nonsense to contend with. This financial abuse should be recognized for what it is and be punished.

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