#77. The Mistress

I used to think that the only thing worse than a dumb man was a dumb woman because a dumb woman allows a dumb man to be dumb.  I used to think that the women who fooled around with married men were the absolute worst scum of the earth.  How could they betray their sisters like that?  More importantly, what the hell do these immoral women want with someone else’s husband?

In many cases the wives of these cheaters don’t even want them because they are disengaged, lazy, lying, philandering losers.  Why more of these wives don’t leave men like these is a real mystery.

Even though my ex would deny my cheating accusations until his dying day, I knew that he was.  I hacked into his work computer and found all the evidence I needed.  Not like I needed the evidence to know.  Women would show up at our house looking for my ex claiming to have had a date with him at a local bar.  The fact that I was carrying a baby in my doorway when these dreadful female creatures were unabashedly dating my husband was of no moral consequence.

The truth is that my ex treated me so poorly that the cheating was just another reason on the list of reasons to get the hell out.  But it did have a profound effect on my self-esteem.  Why was I not enough?  Was I not thin enough?  Attractive enough?  Smart enough?  Of course for a while I blamed myself for his bad behaviour as he had blamed me for everything else.  It was my fault that he didn’t want to come home after work and my fault that he caroused with other women.  Apparently the Middle Eastern conflict was my fault as well.  I must have been very powerful…

I hated the other women that my ex cheated on me with.  I cursed them all.  I blamed them.  But having been watching this show called “The Mistress”, hosted by Sarah Symonds, (the ex-mistress to Gordon Ramsey and Lord Jeffrey Archer), I have developed a great deal of pity for these women.  The show is sort of an Intervention on these Mistresses to get them to kick their affairs with married men.  These women are like drug addicts.  Sad, misguided and very confused.  They have deep rooted problems resulting in zero self-esteem and self-respect.  They accept so much less than they deserve by participating in these deceitful, demoralizing and empty relationships.  The men use them for sex and always go home to their wives.  The Mistress is expendable and these men rarely change.  The cheating husbands are the ones to loath, not the pathetic women who allow them to.  These women have serious problems and are living in a fantasy land full of delusion and denial, like the drug addict.  Besides, it’s the men who took the vows with their wives and are supposed to be committed relationships.

Over the years, as most women in the Universe, I’ve had many married men make sexual advances towards me.  I was always completely opposed to the whole disgusting prospect.  Until after my ex and I broke up.  I had to understand why my ex cheated on me.  The ‘why’ had to be answered.  So I did go out with one married man who had three kids and a wife.  Throughout our ‘date’ I kept trying to get some rational answer as to why he wanted to cheat on his wife.  Why he not only wanted to cheat but actively sought out the opportunity.

There was no reasonable answer.  He was just a cheater and a liar. It was just his character.  Of course I heard the whole standard ‘we don’t have sex anymore’ and the popular ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’, with a sprinkling of ‘we have grown apart’.  “So why don’t you just get a divorce, be single and live an honest existence?”, I asked.  But, like all good fathers, he said, “I stay for my kids.  I couldn’t imagine being away from them.”  This was supposed to make me swoon with admiration and respect about what a great dad he was?  What an asshole.  I couldn’t believe that anyone would fall for such bullshit.  Wouldn’t a good dad respect his children’s mother?  Isn’t betraying her the ultimate betrayal to his children?  And why was this great dad out with me rather than spending time with the kids he claims to selflessly live for?  I never saw him again or any other married man for that matter.

Recently, I have been in the throes of planning my son’s Bar Mitzvah.  I’ve been visiting venues, photographers and DJ’s.  One such visit led to meeting a man.  We hit it off from the first second we spoke.  It was like we had known each other forever.  And he was sexy.  But he is married.  The mere knowledge of this was enough for me to rebuke his relentless flirting.  But it made me wonder why I finally met a man where there was effortless attraction and connection when it would be an impossible situation.

Meeting him reminded me of how it used to be when I met a man and things just clicked.  It  used to be so easy.  Meet a guy, like each other and date.  Simple.  That hasn’t happened in many years so maybe that sort of thing only happens when you’re young.  All that online dating with the forced conversations and effort to find some attraction was completely unnatural.  So why now is the Universe dangling this carrot in front of me?

Maybe it was to remind me that I can still connect with a man.  Maybe it was to test my boundaries and help me define what I actually want.  It was nice to feel desired by someone whom I also found desirable.  But more importantly, it showed me how our lives are truly defined by our choices.  I would never go near a married man no matter how attracted I was to him.  Sure there are many stories about how married people fall in love with someone other than their spouse and get divorced to be with them.  And that happens.

But for me, at this stage of my life, I would like to make choices that lead to joy and truth.  Not pain and heartache for anyone involved.  This married man proved that I can still know when I actually click with someone.  And that’s huge!  I didn’t think it was possible anymore.  Good to know that I can now discern between men that are good for me versus bad.  I have actually learned something!  So I shall go on with my life and wait for that connection with the kind of man I can respect.  A single man.