Realities on Divorce, Dating, Parenting and Re-Invention

#77. The Mistress

77 Mistress

#77. The Mistress

I used to think that the only thing worse than a dumb man was a dumb woman because a dumb woman allows a dumb man to be dumb.  I used to think that the women who fooled around with married men were the absolute worst scum of the earth.  How could they betray their sisters like that?  More importantly, what the hell do these immoral women want with someone else’s husband?

In many cases the wives of these cheaters don’t even want them because they are disengaged, lazy, lying, philandering losers.  Why more of these wives don’t leave men like these is a real mystery.

Even though my ex would deny my cheating accusations until his dying day, I knew that he was.  I hacked into his work computer and found all the evidence I needed.  Not like I needed the evidence to know.  Women would show up at our house looking for my ex claiming to have had a date with him at a local bar.  The fact that I was carrying a baby in my doorway when these dreadful female creatures were unabashedly dating my husband was of no moral consequence.

The truth is that my ex treated me so poorly that the cheating was just another reason on the list of reasons to get the hell out.  But it did have a profound effect on my self-esteem.  Why was I not enough?  Was I not thin enough?  Attractive enough?  Smart enough?  Of course for a while I blamed myself for his bad behaviour as he had blamed me for everything else.  It was my fault that he didn’t want to come home after work and my fault that he caroused with other women.  Apparently the Middle Eastern conflict was my fault as well.  I must have been very powerful…

I hated the other women that my ex cheated on me with.  I cursed them all.  I blamed them.  But having been watching this show called “The Mistress”, hosted by Sarah Symonds, (the ex-mistress to Gordon Ramsey and Lord Jeffrey Archer), I have developed a great deal of pity for these women.  The show is sort of an Intervention on these Mistresses to get them to kick their affairs with married men.  These women are like drug addicts.  Sad, misguided and very confused.  They have deep rooted problems resulting in zero self-esteem and self-respect.  They accept so much less than they deserve by participating in these deceitful, demoralizing and empty relationships.  The men use them for sex and always go home to their wives.  The Mistress is expendable and these men rarely change.  The cheating husbands are the ones to loath, not the pathetic women who allow them to.  These women have serious problems and are living in a fantasy land full of delusion and denial, like the drug addict.  Besides, it’s the men who took the vows with their wives and are supposed to be committed relationships.

Over the years, as most women in the Universe, I’ve had many married men make sexual advances towards me.  I was always completely opposed to the whole disgusting prospect.  Until after my ex and I broke up.  I had to understand why my ex cheated on me.  The ‘why’ had to be answered.  So I did go out with one married man who had three kids and a wife.  Throughout our ‘date’ I kept trying to get some rational answer as to why he wanted to cheat on his wife.  Why he not only wanted to cheat but actively sought out the opportunity.

There was no reasonable answer.  He was just a cheater and a liar. It was just his character.  Of course I heard the whole standard ‘we don’t have sex anymore’ and the popular ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’, with a sprinkling of ‘we have grown apart’.  “So why don’t you just get a divorce, be single and live an honest existence?”, I asked.  But, like all good fathers, he said, “I stay for my kids.  I couldn’t imagine being away from them.”  This was supposed to make me swoon with admiration and respect about what a great dad he was?  What an asshole.  I couldn’t believe that anyone would fall for such bullshit.  Wouldn’t a good dad respect his children’s mother?  Isn’t betraying her the ultimate betrayal to his children?  And why was this great dad out with me rather than spending time with the kids he claims to selflessly live for?  I never saw him again or any other married man for that matter.

Recently, I have been in the throes of planning my son’s Bar Mitzvah.  I’ve been visiting venues, photographers and DJ’s.  One such visit led to meeting a man.  We hit it off from the first second we spoke.  It was like we had known each other forever.  And he was sexy.  But he is married.  The mere knowledge of this was enough for me to rebuke his relentless flirting.  But it made me wonder why I finally met a man where there was effortless attraction and connection when it would be an impossible situation.

Meeting him reminded me of how it used to be when I met a man and things just clicked.  It  used to be so easy.  Meet a guy, like each other and date.  Simple.  That hasn’t happened in many years so maybe that sort of thing only happens when you’re young.  All that online dating with the forced conversations and effort to find some attraction was completely unnatural.  So why now is the Universe dangling this carrot in front of me?

Maybe it was to remind me that I can still connect with a man.  Maybe it was to test my boundaries and help me define what I actually want.  It was nice to feel desired by someone whom I also found desirable.  But more importantly, it showed me how our lives are truly defined by our choices.  I would never go near a married man no matter how attracted I was to him.  Sure there are many stories about how married people fall in love with someone other than their spouse and get divorced to be with them.  And that happens.

But for me, at this stage of my life, I would like to make choices that lead to joy and truth.  Not pain and heartache for anyone involved.  This married man proved that I can still know when I actually click with someone.  And that’s huge!  I didn’t think it was possible anymore.  Good to know that I can now discern between men that are good for me versus bad.  I have actually learned something!  So I shall go on with my life and wait for that connection with the kind of man I can respect.  A single man.





  1. Sunny Zaman
    Sunny ZamanOct 16, 2012

    Amen to that! Allowing a cheating woman to touch me is a horrible notion!

  2. janice katz
    janice katzOct 16, 2012

    My friend told me about your blog. It must be karma or something. Am in the midst of a seperation with my soon to be ex. Funny that you mention drug addicts. My husband worked on wall street, and then we moved back to Toronto, and he worked downtown. On vacation, about 5 years ago, he broke his arm and had numerous surgeries. I found out about a year ago that he was a full blown drug addict, first it was oxycontin and percocet. I thought to myself, ” who is this person”, he went to rehab in California nine months ago and stopped with the drugs. I knew something was up, because his work blackberry was always going off at strange hours. Long story short, he had developed a sexual relationship with his female drug counsellor. He quit his job and tried to convince me that it would be good for our family to move to Los Angeles. Anyway, I confronted him and he was honest about the affair, but he said that I was too much of a trigger for him. He left me and the kids and moved to California. I feel so violated and insecure about myself

    • Hayley
      HayleyOct 16, 2012

      Holy shit Janice. What a horrible experience you are having. Sad to say, but there are more of us who know exactly what you are going through than you can imagine. The man I married turned into a completely different person also. Maybe he only showed me one side of him to begin with. I don’t know. But now, I don’t really care. Like Oprah says, “when people show you who they are, pay attention”. Alcoholics, drug addicts and sex addicts. There are so many of them out there and not one of them are capable of any sort of healthy, loving and honest relationship. There is an old joke that says, “You know how to know if a drug addict/alcoholic is lying? Their lips are moving”. Janice, I know right now you are heart broken, devastated and your entire world has been shattered. Every dream you had for a family has now been dismantled. You may not be able to see what I’m about to tell you right now, but tuck it away in your mind. This worst thing of your life may be the best thing that ever happened to you. You and your kids will now have a stable life on an on-going basis without the drama of a selfish and disengaged husband/father around. Who wants to be with a man who abandons his wife and children??? You have the opportunity to take the time and figure out who you are as a woman and mother. On your own terms. Figure out what those terms are. You may not be able to see it now, but the life that awaits you will surpass your wildest dreams. I promise that you will be stronger, happier and will become a person you always wanted to be. Your husband’s addiction and abandonment issues are a reflection of who he is. Not who you are. You will heal and you will move beyond the hell that he has put you through. Hang in there and take it day by day. You will come out the other side without the dead weight of a bad marriage. That Drug Councillor may have done you a huge favour! (As highly unethical as what she did by entangling herself with a recovering addict…) Because like attracts like. I suspect that you are way too good for your husband and that he was keeping you from becoming the woman that you can be. You are not alone. And this too shall pass.

      • Sandi
        SandiOct 16, 2012

        Love the new look! Great to see how you have grown through this experience. Ugly and hurtful can be turned into such a positive, and your blog shows us all how it can be done. The future is yours – go get it!

  3. Helen
    HelenOct 16, 2012

    Unfortunately, I can relate only too well to this one sistah!
    Important to remember, that men cheat through absolutely NO FAULT of the wife they’re cheating on. It’s the man’s defect in character, and they are to blame for their own cheating, not their wives in any way.
    Helen recently posted..Groupon is My HeroinMy Profile

  4. Adam D. Oglesby
    Adam D. OglesbyOct 16, 2012

    Interesting post.

    There are so many stages in a modern relationship–especially today when traditional marriage has been adulterated. I’m curious how you feel about some of them.

    If a guy is married but separated is he still married and off limits to you?

    What if he’s filed for divorce but it’s still pending?

    You mentioned married guys–but what do you feel about men that are in a relationship but unmarried?

    When is that guy fair game? Do you have the same level of respect for the unmarried guy’s relationship?

    I have a suspicion that everybody has somebody. You meet a new person, they always seem to downplay the relationship they have now, minimizing it, dismissing it as nothing significant Some are unwilling to completely let go of what they have now until they can ensure they have snared something better.
    Adam D. Oglesby recently posted..You Don’t Owe Anybody Your Unhappiness!My Profile

    • Hayley
      HayleyOct 17, 2012

      Hey Adam! First, thank you so much for reading! Second, if a man is separated and in the process of a divorce then, no, I do not consider him a married, cheating man. The problem with married men is that they are very much still married and their wives have no idea about their extra-circular activities. It’s the lying and cheating that is the problem – not the legal status. Even guys in a relationship who cheat are no better. I wouldn’t go near any man who was in a supposedly committed relationship with someone else. Yuck. I think you are right that many people have someone in the rafters but seek something better. None of the women that I know… I think the women that I know, including myself, have learned a great deal from life until this point and have a firm grasp on who we are and what we want. Lying, cheating and debauchery aren’t very seductive at this phase of the game. Looking forward to checking out your blog!
      Hayley recently posted..#77. The MistressMy Profile

  5. JJ
    JJOct 17, 2012

    Hi there
    I have been enjoying reading your blog for a while now. You have articulated this issue perfectly. Here I am, nearly two years down the track post separation. I feel very happy to be alone at the moment. I have “clicked” with a couple of men over that time, but they have been married or partnered. Therefore, no flirting what so ever. At the moment, I just enjoy the company of males as friends or acquaintances. It really gives me a lift! I also tried internet dating and found the whole thing horribly contrived and just not my scene. I also wonder if that effortless click and spark can be found now that I am older & don’t even get that many opportunities to even meet new men. I suppose when it comes down to it, I do believe it will happen again. When the time is right! Like you, I love (maybe am slightly addicted) to Yoga and it’s given me a whole new lease on life. Along with running and getting back to some passions I had forgotten about for a while when through the turmoil of the breakup. Love your blog.
    Keep up the awesome posts
    : ) JJ

    • Hayley
      HayleyOct 17, 2012

      Hey JJ! Thank you so much for reading and your comment! I hear ya sister! Thank God for Yoga! I have been sick for the past few days and all I can think about is getting back to Yoga! I’m totally addicted. It just makes everything clear in my life. So great that you are finding your passions and yourself once again. I find that one good decision leads to another. I wonder if I would have pursued the married man when I was in a darker place… But like you, men in committed relationships are just not appealing to me. I think finding a man and making that connection is an act of God or the Universe. I think it will happen again for all of us and the fact that we can still have feelings, even when we choose not to act on them, is perhaps a preamble of what’s to come. All the best!
      Hayley recently posted..#77. The MistressMy Profile

  6. Tammy Flores
    Tammy FloresOct 31, 2012

    OMG… you know what happened to me? After my ex confessed, I let my in laws know. I did not have anything good to say about the … lady? whore? tramp? individual? he was with. Can you believe that she had the nerve to email me and ask that I don’t say bad things about her to his family as it would ruin her chances of developing a relationship with them? I LOST IT! I still have the email and my response.

    The nerve of some women I tell you. They are home wreckers and then act all innocent, like they have a leg to stand on because I was “bad mouthing” her. At that point in my life, she was lucky she lived in another province.

    Anyway, I guess it takes all kinds to make the world go round :)

  7. Hayley
    HayleyOct 31, 2012

    NO! Wow. Well, at least your ex manned up and admitted what he did. Most of these guys prefer to make their wives feel crazy for their suspicions. Are they still together?
    Hayley recently posted..#79. Single Mom HeroesMy Profile

    • Tammy Flores
      Tammy FloresOct 31, 2012

      No. I guess she got wise to him. It wasn’t too long after I responded to her via email that she left him. My email back to her was very straightforward in that they were “my in laws” and that I would tell them whatever I wanted, however I wanted, how much I wanted. She knowingly went with a married man. No matter how you want that to appear, it is what it is.

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