Realities on Divorce, Dating, Parenting and Re-Invention

#99. Life Is Too Damn Short

Dating

#99. Life Is Too Damn Short

DatingI was watching Dr. Oz again against my better judgement and was reminded about what a delicate thread we are all hanging on.  A headache could be a tumor.  A stomach ache could be cancer.  Wiping your eye with your hand could introduce the Flesh Eating Disease or Ebola into your system!  It’s amazing more of us aren’t liquefying at this very moment!

I am convinced that I have some terrible illness and am seeing a gastrointestinal specialist tomorrow to arrange a scope.  Since I’ve had everything else tested, there might be something lurking in a tucked away intestinal cavern that if found could save my life.  Or, I am a total hypochondriac .  Maybe both?

Just for the record, I don’t think having a survival instinct amidst the inescapable reality that death is a certainty at some point is an abnormal concern.  I know that like everyone else, I am going to die and that is a terrible fact to consider.  The question isn’t if I am going to die, it’s when!  From the time we are born we are all terminally ill.  Sigh.  And I really need more time in this life as I am just getting the hang of things and enjoying the ride now.  That’s why this would be the perfect time to take me out in some sick Universal joke.  Then I would be a cautionary tale.  People would say, “Isn’t it horrible what happened to Hayley?  She totally got her life together after years of useless and unproductive self-pity and then a she got ________ and died within a month.”

Why do I seem so preoccupied with death?  I think I always am, but try not to think about it. It’s just that things seem very clear to me in every area of my life at this point.  I have become, like Gloria Steinem said, the man I want to marry!  I do not have any doubts about my choices or insecurities about who I am.  It is this state of confidence and strength that provides an amazing perspective of the world around me.

So what happened with Mr. LA?  Not a damn thing.  And guess what?  Nothing was ever going to.  In the first week that I communicated with him, I felt that there was something not quite right which I voiced to my friends.  But they urged me to give him a chance.  So I did and played along with his superficial banter.  However, after one month, I was getting bored of the following red flags:

1)     He treated me from the very beginning as if he could fall madly in love with me and that we were meant to be together.  Too much, too fast without any basis or foundation for it.

2)      He was always SO busy 24/7 and only had time to speak maybe once a day maximum for a short duration.  When talking on the phone he continually refused to answer any questions that would require a response lasting longer than one minute and say, “Oh, let’s not get into that.  We’ll talk about that when we meet.”  This repetitive controlling of the content of conversation seemed very suspect.

3)      There were odd ‘crises’ that would occur in this man’s life where he became inexplicably emotional and seemed to be ill equipped to handle ordinary events of life.  I wasn’t sure if these ‘crises’ were real, but if they were, and this man could barely handle them, then he was at the very least highly immature.  This drama seemed more like an excuse to justify how busy he was.

4)      He would text often with sophomoric flirtations negating the fact that we really didn’t know each other.  AND never responded to my questions via text either.  (For example, I would text: You mentioned that a judge gave you sole discretion in a child custody court case, as here in Toronto the Psychologist performs an assessment and makes a recommendation but does not have the final decision.  His response: Miss you!  Thinking of you.) WHAT?!?

5)      Nothing he said felt genuine or rang true.  He would share the odd personal detail about his life as if it were very difficult for him to reveal yet it was common information found in any one of the books he has written or youtube talks he has posted for all to see.  It felt like he was trying to earn my trust but in the most rudimentary superficial way.  The feeling of being ‘groomed’ for something was ever present in my mind.

6)      He never asked or took any real interest about how I spent my time or about my life in general.  There were never any inquiries into the details of my day whatsoever.  Not even close to the interest I would expect from a supposedly interested man let alone a Psychologist.

7)      Overall, I found his personality undeniably narcissistic, superficial and arrogant.

Finally, to confirm if I were merely seeking conspiracy in his motivations, I requested that he book the flight he had been telling me that he had every intention of  booking since first speaking.  I needed to know that I would be meeting this man or else I wanted to move on.   I should add that I finally required him to book this flight after he unsuccessfully tried to engage me in sexting which just grossed me right out.  I was clear that I would not be sexting with someone that I have never met.  (What is wrong with these men?) And then I turned my phone off and went to bed.

I woke up the next morning to find that he had texted his ‘need for few days to de-compress from all the self-imposed pressure and responsibilities in his life’, and suggested that we not speak for a few days.  What pressure?  That’s the start of a healthy relationship.  Good communication means none…  We hadn’t really spoken all that much about anything that mattered to begin with and suddenly he needed a few days?  He can take the rest of his life for all I care!  He had confirmed what I had suspected.  That his intentions were not quite right or honourable.

What 54 year old man behaves like this?  A 54 year old man that was wasting my time, that’s who.  And my time is way too precious to entertain this yahoo in whatever fantasy he is looking to play out.  It was all actually pretty creepy when I think about it.  I suspect that this weirdo Psychologist was trolling for women on Twitter and found me – a single mom, who could be perceived as a needy and vulnerable woman, desperate for the attention of a handsome, successful man.  Ripe for manipulation.  I figured him out rather quickly, but I shutter to think of what this guy is actually doing with his time and to whom.  Predator.  Actions really do tell you everything you need to know. Beware!

The bottom line was, and is, that life is too damn short for any kind of bullshit.  It was too short for my shitty marriage.  It was too short when I gave up on myself and wallowed in Depression for years and it is certainly way too short to feel like I have to settle for anything less than I deserve and require, let alone be used as a pawn in some stranger’s head game.

Life could be over at any minute.  I don’t want to waste one more second on negative thoughts or manipulative people.  What for?  It’s just as easy to focus on better things, healthy people and have a little faith.  I may not be able to choose when or how this life will end, but I am totally responsible for everyday that I have breath left in this body.  I don’t want to waste any more time or allow anyone to demean me ever again.  You live, you learn, you do better.  Life is just too short not to.

  1. kelly
    kellyMar 13, 2013

    Amen sister. I hear you with the sexting….seriously don’t you need to build real intimacy and trust first? And yes, we are all dying every day but I like Valerie Harper’s attitude…don’t come to the funeral before I die.

    • Hayley
      HayleyMar 13, 2013

      I think this guy felt that he had ‘groomed’ me sufficiently for sexting. Little did he know that I wasn’t buying his schtick.

      So I shouldn’t go to my funeral before I die. Huh. Great advice! Never thought of it that way. Thanks. She’s too amazing. What a brave and incredible human being.

  2. Joan
    JoanMar 15, 2013

    I’m so sorry Mr.Right turned out to be Mr.Wrong. The more I think about it, the more I look around me, I think there are more Mr.Wrongs than Mr.Rights. I need a handy man on call, a gigilo on call for those few occasions that I remember that I am a woman and the occasional manly shoulder to cry on……wait, forget the last one…..they’re the ones usually causing the grief, so a handy, sexy dude. Yup, that’s it.

    Regarding the death thing, I have moments of terror of the idea of it (especially these days when it would virtually orphan my kids) but most of the time I try to use that as a kick in the butt to not waste time mired in misery. I’m not always successsful but hey, I try. The best thing about life is the sense of adventure, the realization that there are so many experiences available to add to who we are and not knowing what minute will be our last should give us all that sense of urgency to really live it, not just exist in it.

    Good for you Hayley!

    • Hayley
      HayleyMar 15, 2013

      Thanks for the encouraging words! I don’t really care about Mr. Wrong but am concerned with the creepy factor. I suspect there are lots more where that came from. Think the death thing keeps life in perspective. As they say, when one door closes another one opens. I still have hope that the best is yet to come! The best is already happening. I’m over the waste-of-time-man-shit, I’m ahead of the game! Hope you are on your way to happier days yourself.

  3. Tammy Flores
    Tammy FloresMar 28, 2013

    This guy almost sounds like those Nigerian love scams, where they make up stories and say send money… run for the hills! My favorite stories are about your dating adventures. It’s hilarious how some people think that’s the way to woo a woman. You could write a comedy novel based on it.

    • Hayley
      HayleyMar 28, 2013

      I know! These guys must have a handbook that they all use. Very scary. No more online crazies for me! This guy was scary. What was I thinking?!?
      Hayley recently posted..#101. Taking ChargeMy Profile

  4. Karen
    KarenApr 04, 2013

    Fellow single mom here! Found your blog from your meetup profile (SPS) and I’m sitting here, nodding, reading, nodding, reading…We are the freaking same! Holy cow, it’s like I’m reading my own words that I have previously written or spoken. Scary stuff I tell you.

    If I tell you I have encountered similar behaviour from men more than once would you be surprised? *shakes head* Keep writing and sharing and I hope we get a chance to meetup at a meetup one of these days… :)

    • Hayley
      HayleyApr 04, 2013

      Good to find you here! Thanks for your comment and reading! I swear, every single woman whom I have spoken to has had the same results with online dating. VERY SCARY!!! Nothing wrong with being single if the options are so bleak. Hope to meetup!

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