#100. Re-Invention? Restoration!

Over the past 99 posts, this blog has captured my journey through divorce, poverty, depression, bad dates, fear and motherhood en route to re-invention.  Re-invention was my goal.  To become the woman whom I thought I should be was what I was working towards.  The funny thing is, I was already ‘re-invented’ (into a raving lunatic) once in my life during my marriage and divorce. I think I have been actually trying to get back to who I was before the entire psychotic extravaganza of madness began!  Before all of the disillusionment and heartbreak, I knew who I was.  Maybe I had low self-esteem and lacked the courage and wisdom to allow myself to flourish independent of a man, but I was pretty darn clear about my values, dreams and standards in this life.  It was a shitty marriage and mental divorce process that threw everything I knew to be true and right into a state of total disarray and discombobulation.

I had an epiphany a couple of days ago incited by a packed yoga class.  There was a 20-something woman on the mat in front of me who was incredibly distracting.  Now, I knew I was supposed to just focus on my own practice and never mind about those who surrounded me, but she was a human train wreck that I couldn’t look away from.  Not only did she do every pose completely incorrectly, but it looked like she was doing some spastic dance like Elaine from Seinfeld.   It wasn’t even yoga!  She looked like she was going to severely hurt herself but in the funniest way.  It took all of my strength not to laugh.  I managed to contain my giggles until the end of the silent class where during the floor twist poses, someone accidentally let out a loud fart.  It was a ripper!  I’m talking a scene out of “Blazing Saddles”.  This has been one of my big fears, but was so funny that I actually hurt myself from containing my laughter.

I left yoga in record time to run home where I could let out my hysterical laughter while thinking about the spastic yoga girl and the ripper.  I must have laughed for a good twenty minutes straight.  Tears flowed down my face and I actually fell off the couch at one point.

This type of uncontrollable laughing fit has been part of my character since childhood.  My nickname in public school was ‘hyena’ due to my loud, boisterous and frequent uncontrollable bouts of laughter.  In fact, I was that kid who would get thrown out of class for not being able to stop laughing.  (Can you imagine getting in trouble for being too happy?!?)  More times than not, I would be laughing so hard that I would fall off my chair and take my desk with me only to find myself on the ground, buried in the contents of my desk.  And then I would only laugh harder.

What is my point here?  My point is that I have not now, nor ever successfully re-invented myself at all.  The yoga episode triggered the same natural hysteria and silly disposition that I used to have as a child, teenager and young adult reminding me that I am once again that same person.  Maybe I continue to exhibit a lack of self control with my bursts of happiness, but I have come to realize that my post-divorce goal of ‘re-invention’ was the wrong goal.  The goal should have been the RESTORATION of my natural state, not the re-invention of some kind of ‘new’ me.  In fact, whenever I have veered away from my inherent character, values, goals and expectations, I have gone stark raving mad!

I was never going to be able to become something that I’m not, no matter who I decided to be.  I thought that I should become a dignified married mother at the age of thirty.  But I wasn’t a woman prepared to accept poor treatment from a husband and escaped with a baby, no money, no home, no job or future plan beyond getting the hell out of Crazytown.  I then thought I should be a ‘responsible’ woman who worked at any job that would pay peanuts and deny her talents and dreams.  But I have never been a woman who could devote my time and effort to a job that wasn’t challenging and engaging.  I eventually thought I should be a woman who accepted that her life was going to be shitty as a single mother and depression would be the new state of normalcy.  But ‘shitty’ is a ridiculously unacceptable standard to set for oneself and I am not a Depressive by nature!  I’m a happy person who naturally sees the humour in everything, (appropriate or not), am a lot stronger than I know, and need to be surrounded by good energy, creativity  and honest intentions.  Those qualities and needs were always parts of me even though I lost sight of them for a while.

After all of those ‘thoughts’ and trials about who I should become, I have ultimately achieved the ‘Restoration’ of myself, with hopefully a little more wisdom and confidence to continue to be the person whom I was meant to be.  And I like her!  I suppose I was already the woman whom I wanted to become all along.  She was always in there somewhere.  I just had to revive her, believe in her and treat her with the respect that she deserves.

Happy 100th post!  Thank you for taking the time to read this blog and join me on this journey.  I’m grateful for your time and interest.  Wishing you the Restoration of your true self and the confidence to be the best you that you can be!