#122. Wading Through the Bullshit

I am walking, working and back to normal life again.  “Normal”.  Great.  At first it was so exciting to walk!  I was so grateful to have the ability to care for myself and have the gift of two working feet.  Having been largely shut-in with a broken foot for the past three and half months, I have recently been trying to embrace my former life and pick up where I left off.  Each day when I awake I expect a voice to come over a loud speaker and announce, “The role of ‘Woman-Who-Gives-A-Shit’ in today’s performance of “The Stupid Human Race” will be played by Hayley”.  Turns out that I’m not interested in picking up where I left off.

The grand finale of my on-again-off-again cigarette smoking career has completely ended as a result of reading the book “EASYWAY: The Only Way to Stop Smoking Permanently” by Allen Carr.  Not only did it allow me to walk away from those filthy, disgusting cancer sticks for good, but vividly illustrated more examples of the brainwashing that I, and everyone else in our society has been victim to.  This book deconstructs the lies we tell ourselves in order to continue partaking in activities that are detrimental to our well being and best interests.

How have I never realized that poisoning myself really gave me zero pleasure?  I thought I enjoyed smoking but I really didn’t.  As the book explains, I only enjoyed getting the nicotine fix to fill the void left by the last cigarette I smoked.  So true.  And every drug is the same addictive lie as cigarettes.  Alcohol is an addictive poison just like nicotine.  However, that poison is currently deemed acceptable by societal approval and large alcohol corporations making us think that we like getting drunk and stupid.  If I’m honest with myself, I have never had a good time because I was drinking.  I was having a good time because of the company I kept.  In fact, drinking only ruined a good time and made me feel ill the next day!  It’s a big ole societal brainwashing scam instilling mental delusions.  Like marriage…

I used to think that smoking was cool, drinking wine was sophisticated and one of my biggest goals was to become a wife.  When in reality, smoking makes you feel like shit and will kill you; drinking alcohol inebriates you into a dangerously vulnerable state void of any rational decision making abilities; and marriage, well, we all know the rate of success of that charming institution.  In my opinion, smoking, drinking and marriage are all in the same category of societal madness with smoking only recently becoming an anti-social activity, but was at one time not too long ago considered a normal, even sexy thing to do.  The power of consumer capitalism as a tool to keep rich, white men in power and the rest of us their willing pawns is astoundingly effective and has created the canvas for 98% of our lives.

I always thought of myself as a non-conformist.  But I was the worst type of conformist!  I have been the kind of conformist who was so ignorant and clueless that I really didn’t know how full of shit I actually was!  I wasn’t unique or interesting.  I was a self destructive asshole pretending to be an independent, free spirit.  I’m pissed at myself for being such a dullard.  I have actually paid money for the honour of poisoning myself with cigarettes and degrading myself with booze.  I also willingly gave my body away to men who didn’t deserve it and justified my denigration through some delusion of sexual power and strength when it was really the result of fear, insecurity and weakness.  I bought into all of the traps built to encourage low self esteem and annihilate any semblance of true personal power and individuality.

NO MORE LYING TO MYSELF!  It’s crazy.  I have to be more critical.  More aware.  It feels like I’m waking up from someone else’s dream.  Some weird, sociopathic person’s dream that I really don’t want to participate in anymore.  I see things in a way that I truly never did before and I can’t go back to how I thought prior to these epiphanies.

No more pretending or acting some role of what I think I am supposed to based on bullshit.  No more living the life of a sheep.  I have to live a meaningful, authentic and genuinely fulfilling life.  Luckily, some key areas of my life are truly authentic.  I love my son and I love being his mother.  That is the most fun I’ve ever had and I feel truly blessed and honoured to have stumbled into motherhood. (Wouldn’t have done that without the booze so I guess there is a silver lining!) I love writing and performing which I am gratefully paid to do from time to time.  I love my dog. I love my happy little apartment.  I love yoga.  I love freeing myself from lies.  I love that I am lucky enough to be graced the opportunity to begin to finally figure out who I really am.