Realities on Divorce, Dating, Parenting and Re-Invention

#123. Private Callers

Stock Man Hiding Call 2

#123. Private Callers

stock man hiding call (2)As a policy, I never answer a phone (cell or home) if the call display reads “Private Caller”.  Generally speaking, if the person phoning remains anonymous, it’s because they know that their call is unwanted.  Why these sneaky people continue to phone those who do not want to speak to them is beyond me.  Luckily, more times than not, the ‘Private Caller” is only a pesky Telemarketer, not Adolf Hitler. 

As a parent though, I have to bend my policies from time-to-time for safety purposes.  For example, Friday night my son was out with his friends.  His 8000th cellphone just broke, so he was phone-free.  Thus, when I received a ‘Private Caller’ on my home phone, I naturally answered it thinking that my boy was calling me from a pay phone or something. 

It was an adult male voice asking for my son.  I paused wondering why some strange man is calling for my son.  Maybe this time it was Adolf Hitler! Then the caller identified himself.  It was my son’s father (whose name eerily rhymes with Adolf Hitler – I’m just saying…).  Huh.  I totally forgot about my ex!  I mean, since I’m going into the 4th consecutive month of no child-support, I am aware of his sadistic existence, but he plays such an insignificant role in my life that he’s sort of like Snuffleupagus to me. (That is, the Snuffleupagus before anyone other than Big Bird could see him.)  In this case, my son (Big Bird) reminds me that his father (Snuffleupagus) does in fact exist, but there is no evidence of him in my real life.

Having told my ex that my son was out and would return the call upon his return, I quickly hung up the phone.  Even though I would really like to receive some child support, I was not going to engage with my ex any further.  I prefer to communicate ONLY via email so everything is documented.  Besides, I suspect that this withholding of the child support game is to get me to beg so he can feel powerful and have control over me.  Why he cares to have control over little old me is totally insane.  The issue should be about ensuring that our son’s needs are met above any other abusive intention directed towards me.  But, it is what it is.

I’m not gonna freak out about the whole ‘no-child-support’ thing.  That is simply who my ex is. I will wait, as I have done before, for the law to intervene and force him to honour his parental obligations and agreement that he himself proposed (after a year of nonsensical legal fees to financially cripple me and negatively effect our son as a result).  They say that a man is as good as his word…  He keeps reminding me of how lucky I am to have left when I did!

Speaking of money, I am working steadily and making ends meet without the child support.  I’m squeaking by barely and not making a fortune but am hopefully on the right road to a more financially stable future.  Obviously, freelance writing and acting are not stable ventures, but maybe I’ll get lucky one of these days.  Or not.  At least I will know that I tried everything I could with the skill set I have while begging for change and drinking Scope (alcohol free of course!) on a park bench.  How comforting that knowledge will be…  Whatever.  It’s all bullshit anyway. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  My ex may have a beautiful home in the most expensive real estate of Toronto, a cottage, cars, nice furniture, expensive gadgets, trips, designer clothes, etc., but I’d rather be poor and happy than live for one day in unbearable misery cloaked in a fancy lifestyle with him.  As comfortable as all that window dressing appears to be, I know from personal experience that it’s meaningless if there are lies, cruelty, anger and fear behind it.  Of course I would be a lot happier with money for financial reasons, but my son and I have what we need and the most incredibly close and honest relationship I could ever have dreamed of.  I still say that I’m the lucky one.

Although, note to self: best to adhere to the policy of no answering the phone when it says ‘Private Caller’!


  1. JJ
    JJSep 30, 2013

    I feel your pain Hayley. My ex hasn’t given me a cent since April. In the mean time he has managed to finance a month long trip for himself around Europe and a new dog. The mind boggles to think how he thinks this is ok! I, too and waiting for the law to catch up with him as he has a new fancy pants job that he likes to boast about (yes he actually did that… to me!) and when he files his next tax return I am hoping it will all catch up with him. Either that or get the solicitor onto him as I’m dealing with custody issues at the same time. Ugh. The whole thing is just bullocks. You’re right though..these are reminders of why we are not with them anymore….and life goes on…and on….and we are happier without them. But some bucks would be helpful!!

    • Hayley
      HayleySep 30, 2013

      I so get it!!! Especially the audacity of the boasting of luxuries and money while their child has a mother struggling to provide the basic necessities of life. But these guys are damaged and no matter how much money they hoard they still have to live in their own skin which is torture.

      Look, an abuser is an abuser. Physical, emotional, financial or otherwise. These guys many times have personality disorders like narcissism and sociopathy. They are compulsive liars who are very aware that they are big phonies. That is a horrible reality to live with. Let your disturbed ex have his Europe trip and whatever else he desperately needs to gratify his compulsion for the instant relief of distraction from himself. Every high is fleeting. There isn’t enough money in the world to ever make him happy because he can’t run from the reality of who he is. Mr. Big Shot over there with his new job won’t be laughing when his paycheck is garnished. These guys seem to get away with murder for what could be a long time. But everyone’s run of good luck always comes to an end.

      I actually think that our ex’s are suffering, and my sadness for that fact overrides my contempt for the bad behaviour. They hate themselves and no amount of money can mask it. I really do feel sorry for them.

      Hang in there sister!

      Sometimes the greatest gifts are disguised as seemingly insurmountable obstacles.
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  2. Adriel
    AdrielOct 14, 2013

    Not cool. Until I read your comment above, I wondered if there was some kind of garnishment option for you – it sounds like there is but is it tricky or slow moving? I feel lucky to have finally gotten to a place where I’m getting support consistently, but for many years I didn’t and it drove me nuts.
    Adriel recently posted..Ode to DadMy Profile

    • Hayley
      HayleyOct 14, 2013

      Well, as the process goes, the Payor has to be in arrears for three consecutive months for the garnish and other penalty procedures to kick in. It is a slow process and not fun as you sadly know. BUT, I look at it like a forced savings. I’ll get the child support eventually, it’s the abusive game of the whole thing that I find most distasteful. Glad you are getting consistent payments. It really does help take care of the kids doesn’t it?
      Hayley recently posted..#125. The RulesMy Profile

      • Adriel
        AdrielOct 16, 2013

        It does help! I know what you mean about the “forced savings” thing – when i didn’t get it regularly I did see it as sort of “icing”, but didn’t budget for it. You’re right though, it seems like a game. Although I see it so often in situations like yours, it never fails to dumbfound me when grown ups can’t just act like grown ups. Oh well, as you’ve said many times in your posts, he’s the one we should feel sorry for. Best to you :)
        Adriel recently posted..Ode to DadMy Profile

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