Realities on Divorce, Dating, Parenting and Re-Invention

#124. The Naked Man Motif

Stock Tarzan On Wall 2

#124. The Naked Man Motif

stock tarzan on wall (2)Am I on LSD and unaware of it?  I don’t recall taking any for at least 23 years but maybe I have been on one continuous 23 year long acid trip.  That would explain a lot… 

There was some bizarre naked man motif going on in my weirdo life this week which is odd to put it mildly.  My first experience with this naked man theme a few days ago was anything but welcomed.  In fact, it was a visual that I would give almost anything to expunge.  But alas, I suspect that even Alzheimer’s won’t erase this hideously intrusive image now burned deep into my psyche.  Here’s what happened:

I noticed that my son left some school trip permission forms on the dining room table this past Tuesday morning after he left for school so I thought it best that I drop them off for him.  Wouldn’t want my boy to miss out on that exciting trip to the ravine so he can find a new location to smoke pot…  Actually, he had mentioned that there are always kids smoking pot on school property throughout the day and none of the staff cares, so I wanted to see this Hippieland for myself and inquire about this situation with the school.  Why aren’t any of the staff deterring this illicit teenage drug use?  Why is the smoking of pot condoned?  I had an agenda to check out my son’s high school for drugs.  A mission if you will.

As I entered the High School grounds I noticed how empty the yard was.  No kids smoking pot anywhere to be seen or smelled.  All I did see was a creepy homeless man tending to his bicycle.  I wondered why this sketchy adult man was on the school property.  As I walked closer to his vicinity, (I had to pass him on the way into the school), he became enraged like a rabid dog.  I saw him screaming and drooling but I was listening to my ipod – the happy theme of “The Greatest American Hero” of all things – which drowned out the particulars of his ranting yet I quickly realized that he was directing his fury at me!  What the hell did I do?  But wait!  There’s more!  I looked down and noticed that this crazy homeless man’s fly was unzipped and he was pushing his pants down when he pulled his penis out!!!

OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!  This Psychotic Penisman was clearly having some sort of dangerous episode.  I wanted to run but I didn’t want to show fear.  Plus, the visual of this lunatic chasing me with his penis flailing about was too unthinkable.  Too insane.  I just picked up the pace of my walk and made my way towards the school office while praying that he wasn’t following me.  (In retrospect, that was a really stupid time to decide to trust the hands of fate and not run for my life.  So much for my survival instinct.  I’m really not very bright.  It’s a problem.)

Luckily, he wasn’t following me but what the fuck was that?!?  Who does that?  Thank God it was me who was flashed and verbally assaulted and not a young student!  (Just for the record, you never hear about rage fueled women pulling out boobs or flashing their vaginas on unsuspecting passerbys.  Just sayin.)  The police were called but unfortunately the Psychotic Penisman escaped on his bicycle.  Yes – Psychotic Penisman out-biked the police.  Quite the bike chase that must have been.  A real nail biter.  How safe I do feel…  For God’s sake.  This was the FOURTH time that I have been flashed by some strange man in my life!  FOUR TIMES!!!  What is wrong with the male gender???  I AM SO SICK OF CRAZY MEN!!!  Talk about an epidemic…  PULL YOUR FUCKEN SHIT TOGETHER!!!

Whatever.  I decided to try very hard to not feel animosity towards the convincingly deranged male gender and put Psychotic Penisman out of my head.  Although, it was hard – no pun intended.  Especially after I saw my ex on youtube giving a recent speech about the law and talking sympathetically about ‘Mother Earth, and the importance of taking care of women and children’.  I couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing.  (I can’t make this shit up.)  Mr. Domestic Terrorist & Don’t Pay Child Support talking about Mother Earth and the importance of women and children?  I must be on acid.  That’s like Hitler talking about nurturing the valuable Jewish culture.  Life can’t really be this absurd.  The naked truth about this man is that he is one hell of an actor.  

Speaking of acting, a couple of days after Psychotic Penisman and my ex in the Academy Award winning performance of ‘I’m A Decent Compassionate Human Being’ on Youtube,  I had my first on-camera audition that I’ve had in years.  It’s a small role in a film where I play a woman disturbed by her nudist male neighbour.  Not a big stretch all things considered.  At least this naked man circumstance brought potential work and was not an immediate threat of sexual assault.  Guess my life was improving?  Well, not so much. In theory if there were an inherent balance to the Universe then maybe I’d get the part to restore some positive feeling towards men in general.  But, the audition was not a success. 

I realized once I got there that my competition were two rather homely ladies and an obese woman, which lead me to believe that the film was going for a plain and average type for the role of Neighbour.  I, was going for the stylish, hip and good looking neighbour – not the frumpy non-descript neighbour.  I felt foolish and looked ridiculous.  The scene took place at a garden party for Christ’s sake!  Why wouldn’t I think the neighbour should rock some cute jeans, boots and sweater?  (My headshots are about 7 months old and I do look quite different so the casting director was not expecting the ‘new and improved’ me.) I wiped my make-up off and tried to look schlumpier, but my efforts were in vain.  I just ended up embarrassing myself.  ALL MY FAULT.  I know.  I’m not blaming the male gender for my failure to supply my agent with accurate pictures, (although, I could afford new pictures if I received some child support!), I’m just recognizing that even my fictitious experiences involving naked men are tragic.  I seriously think I am cursed when it comes to men…

I have a son and love men when they aren’t trying to ruin my life in some way.  I’m not a lesbian so I don’t have any other options here.  I just wish men would stop acting like psychotic, predatorial assholes.  That’s all. 

Is that too much to ask for fuck’s sake?


  1. Joan
    JoanOct 05, 2013

    Man oh man Hayley!

    There were some visuals generated by this which left me laughing out loud, although I doubt it was funny at the time.

    And don’t beat yourself up about the audition, you know better than to take it personally and considering what the part called for, the fact that you were too awesome looking to get it is okay.

    Although I haven’t had any unwanted naked men in my life for quite a while- actually, I don’t think I’ve ever been flashed and the only other unwanted naked man that I ever encountered is now my ex.

    • Hayley
      HayleyOct 05, 2013

      Hey – glad you had a good laugh. And let me be clear – I’m not too awesome looking, I was just not being accurately represented by my pics. I’m more on the average/attractive side than the average/unattractive side. Took years to get average/attractive!

      Glad you have never been flashed. I have no idea why I am a Flashers magnet. However, probably the same haunting visual that you have of your ex. A cruel memory. Life is so not fair.

      But hey, If we keep laughing then we can handle anything!

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